LARRY: Are Beeline shirts printed by some 12 year old in Malaysia?

BEELINE: No. Beeline Art Apparel is screen printed in Los Angeles, and hand inspected for quality.

LARRY: By 12 year olds?

BEELINE: No.

LARRY: I don't see a purple shirt option with any of the designs.

BEELINE: Currently, we carry colors that best match the feel of the design line without distracting from it. When we begin to print our Donny Osmond: Rock God shirt, we'll let you know.

LARRY: Are these shirts long enough to tuck into my Jordache jeans?

BEELINE: Are you kidding? If so, har har. If not, buy a size larger for added "tuckability".

LARRY: What sizes do you recommend?

BEELINE: Generally, if you're a man between 5'6" and 6'0" tall, a large will do fine. With the ladies, heights between 5'0" and 5'4" will take a medium. Size up or down based on those averages. Though the shirts are pre-shrunk, they will shrink an additional 5% or so if placed in the dryer after a wash.

If you're, um... "solid", no need to worry. Though both the Alstyle 5301 (mens) and the Alstyle 5561 (ladies) are considered "slim fit", they're not as laterally restricting as some of the other brands on the market preferred by the super-slim heroin-overdose crowd.

LARRY: What is an All Style?

BEELINE: Alstyle. It's the shirt we use. 4.3 ounce, combed ringspun cotton, gets softer each time you wash it, and holds a screen printed design very well. It also doesn't fade as readily as some of the "fashion" brands.

LARRY: I like designs I can't feel. Are your designs like sandpaper?

BEELINE: All shirts are screen-printed using plastisol (not an explosive), then heat-pressed for a "soft-hand" (you can barely feel the design on the shirt... if feeling yourself is your "thing"). Some online sites offer "print on demand" technology, which can lead to erratic quality that may fade after several wash cycles. Because Beeline heat presses the still-wet design, literally, into the shirt, that sh*t ain't goin' no-where!

LARRY: I see that you ship with "the man". That sh*t ain't cool.

BEELINE: Yes, we ship using Uncle Sam's very own USPS. Though they no longer wield AK-47s, your package should be perfectly secure and make it to your swingin' pad in approx. 3-4 days from the order date. Please note that the Post Office is now limiting delivery to 5 days a week, so a Wednesday order might make it to your chick hut on Monday.

LARRY: I got a brother living in Paris, and he digs what you have to say. Do you ship there?

BEELINE: Currently, no. But international shipping is on the way.

LARRY: What does international shipping have to do with Paris, California, dummy?!

BEELINE: In that case, we CAN ship to PERRIS, California... dummy.

LARRY: $3.00 for Shipping and Handling? Whhhoooooaaaaaa!!!!!!

BEELINE: LOL. Some sites charge up to $6.00 for a single 4.5 ounce shirt, but offer you a break when you purchase three or four. Unless you're a clothes whore (which is a good thing, mind you) or your clothes just got devoured by the diabolical closet monster, most clients will order 1 or 2 shirts per shopping visit. No need to bust your balls on the back-end.

LARRY: My shiny Platinum card is my best friend. Are you some criminal who's gonna clean me out?

BEELINE: Beeline uses PayPal. All we get from PayPal is your name and address, along with what you purchased. All private info, such as credit card number, stays with Paypal. It's a really secure way to shop

LARRY: And my muny.

BEELINE: Yes. We get that, too.

LARRY: And what if it doesn't feel right on my friggin' awesome body, and I wanna return what I bought?

BEELINE: We'll make every effort to accomodate "non-imaginary" concerns. Each shirt is checked for design finish and overall quality before shipping, but if you have an issue with your order, please use the email on the contact page, and we'll resolve the problem as best we can. And for the record, "awesome body" does not denote a 450 pound mound of Cheetos-munching flesh.

LARRY: Hey, man. These shirts are gonna make me look cool, but do you guarantee "sexual attraction"?

BEELINE: Go light on the Drakkar and lip-balm, and you should be just fine.